life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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