Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
porn star boner night. come get it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
