If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
