so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
