I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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