My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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