and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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