he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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