She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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