Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
