I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Found your dick twin last night
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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