Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
