my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
