Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
