Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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