Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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