Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
