I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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