can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
