I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
