I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
