Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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