Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
