I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
