dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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