I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
