Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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