I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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