Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
