Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
