My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
