My hand turned me down
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Randomize
