im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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