i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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