he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just blew my weed a kiss
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
