He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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