we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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