even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
