sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
