So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
