drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize