literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
