Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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