Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
