Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize