After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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