so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
