Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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