Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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