so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
