I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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