i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
