i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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