My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
