Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Randomize
