Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
