So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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