The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
