when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
whose parrot is this?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Randomize
