I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
