I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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