Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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