I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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