I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize