hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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