my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
