I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
