I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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