my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I got inside last night via doggy door
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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