My brain says no but my pants say off.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
