The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
