Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize