you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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