ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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