Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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