I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
