i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
