I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
