We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
