she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize